Wednesday 13 January 2010

Our true ancestors


Apparently, we need to change our ideas about what constitutes refinement. I say this because of a great item in yesterday’s paper. First, though, when I write the word ‘Neanderthal’ what springs to mind? My guess is that it’ll be creatures of indeterminate gender with no foreheads who sit in caves grunting and tearing raw meat from bones with their prognathous jaws. Perhaps now and then, one will stand, rise to his (this one’s a male) full height of 4 feet 10, club a neighbouring creature (this one will be a female) and drag her off to procreate. My apologies to any of you whose vision is of noble savages sitting around a fire listening to their equivalent of Brahms.

Bizarrely, though, the Brahms faction may be nearer the truth than the rest of us because it seems that Neanderthals wore make-up. Not only that, they also made bracelets and necklaces. For me this is a welcome discovery because something about illustrations of Neanderthals going about their business has always puzzled me. We see them sitting among their scraps of meat and discarded bones looking, frankly, not unlike straightforward apes. There’s no sign of a shower cubicle in the recesses of the cave, no shelves, not even any dishes to put on them. And yet, and yet … they’ve taken the trouble to fashion things out of fur resembling skirts, which they tie around their waists. Why? Did they have a rudimentary Bible which told them that, once Adam bit the apple, he was aware of his nakedness and covered it up? Why does someone content to eat raw meat and show affection by clubbing his woman feel embarrassed about his genitalia? Was the obsession about size already a factor? It’s always been a disturbing riddle, a profound mystery simmering insolubly in our past.

Well, now we know. If they wore make-up, they must have been more self-aware than we imagined up until now. They cared about their appearance because (as the journalist noted in his article) ‘they were worth it’. All homo sapiens did was daub graffiti on his walls, but Neanderthals decorated themselves, they were proud of their appearance. So pre-history will have to be rewritten and, consequently, our evolutionary notions of our own origins must be modified. Look at today’s TV, our celebrities, our icons – for the most part they consist of appearances. I don’t mean appearing at openings of galleries, first nights at the opera or red carpet premieres, I mean they are what they look like – beautiful, painted, constructed, wrapped in luscious fabrics. The only possible conclusion, then, is that if not all, then quite a lot of us are descended not from homo sapiens but from Neanderthals.

And the more one follows this line of argument the more obviously true it becomes. The careful combination of brutishness and giving precedence to appearance throws a much brighter light on most international relations and political ideologies. The Bush and Blair photos at Camp David were simply refined examples of mutual grooming. The club is still preferred to reasoned debate and as long as things LOOK right, they ARE right. For those of us who were despairing of ever seeing the desired perfectibility of humankind, we can stop worrying – we were looking in the wrong direction. The Neanderthals showed the way. Thank God for make-up.

18 comments:

  1. Ha! What a genius line of thinking! Two thumbs up.

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  2. We really haven't moved on from the cave, have we? All we've done is add plumbing and some windows. But is down to the artists, like your good self, Bill to remind ourselves that we are on occasion capable of so much more. Until the next time we drag our knuckles and see who's got the biggest club.

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  3. Loved this post, Bill. I'm definitely an evolved Neanderthal although not a sushi fan. It's the artistic elements we create that make life interesting and enjoyable.

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  4. Now you got me thinking- why did they cover their bits up?

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  5. So calling a certain type of male a Neanderthal will be a kind of compliment from now then, I guess? Interesting post, Bill.

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  6. You're so funny you ought to start writing scripts for stand-up comediens... (This is NOT said tongue-in-cheek, either!)

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  7. I can help you with the clothing question: they lived in the last ice age and, frankly, they were freezing their nuts off.

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  8. What a stimulating bunch of comment-makers you are.

    Thanks first to Baley who credits me with the ability to construct a ‘line of thinking’. I’ll be in touch when I need a reference to prove my sanity.

    Michael, kind words as ever but I’m capable of dragging my knuckles with the best of them. As for the size of my club …

    Jean, I love the idea of a Neanderthal in a restaurant sending back the sushi. Also, to your remark about the creation of art I’d add that it’s one the few ways we actually intuit structure and purpose. (Not that that implies permanence or overall significance. God forbid.)

    Scary, it’s always seemed a bit strange to me that artists have portrayed these creatures as savages with a Victorian attitude to morality. On the other hand, maybe their bits were so outrageous that the artists were merely protecting our delicate sensitivities against the shock.

    Rosemary, you saw through my ploy. When I’m next accused of being a ‘typical man’, I’ll be able to smile and say ‘Why, thank you’.

    Linda, you say such nice things – but, alas, they only prove that you’re as weird as I am. But thank you.

    And Gary, always the provider of considered wisdom and revelatory insights – I’m sure you spotted the inconsistency in your theory. If they ‘were freezing their nuts off’, there’d be no need for the skirts since there’d be nothing to conceal.

    Thanks to everyone. It’s great to share this nonsense.

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  9. I shared this post with my friend here in DC and she said it's because they didn't want any wild creature attacking their danglies (as Michael so eloquently named them). Always giving new insight into old stereotypes, aren't you?

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  10. Marley, I think you should have a word with your DC friend before it's too late. I can't imagine that a sabre-toothed tiger, fancying a meal of fresh danglies, would look at a beskirted Neanderthal and think to itself 'Damn, he's protecting himself with that scrap of fur'.

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  11. As for the bible, those books were written by people too. So, logically, there was shame before there was a bible, otherwise it couldn't have been written.
    As for the make-up. In the animal world the males are often more colourful. The most colourful birds are male, showing their feathers to attract the female. The fact that human females wear make-up, instead of the males, is in fact rather unusual. If I think of the male humans that tend to whistle at me as I pass by, showing me their round bellies and greasy hair, it appears to me that the neanderthals were much more sophisticated.

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  12. I like the 'there was shame before there was a bible' remark, Anneke. So true.

    The rest of your comment makes me wonder whether, in fact, it's women who are descended from the Neanderthals, since the wearing of make up has passed to them. If that's the case, I'll have to adjust an awful lot of my thinking.

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  13. It wasn't just the sabre-tooth they faced, Dude. Is it the honey-badger that goes straight for the groin? I'mm sure the neanderthals would have faced similar critters.
    ps. disappointed none of the ladies have yet responded to your last comment.

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  14. Michael, Michael - the ladies who read this are naturally untouched by my comment. They are all creatures of elegance, refinement, towering intellect and impeccable taste.

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  15. Michael, the ladies, creatures of refinement and impeccable taste, haven't yet responded because they are all to busy with their important tasks, such as bringing beer to their husbands.
    Bill, yes that must be it, the women are the true descendants of the neanderthals. Men are descendants of the Ancient Belly Ape from East-West Euramerica.

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  16. Anneke, I look forward to your article on this newly discovered Belly Ape species.

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  17. I definitely agree with the "towering intellect" part.

    I also agree with Anneke's comments that we women are the true descendants of Neanderthal.

    P.S. Anneke, do you have a drawing of the Ancient Belly Ape? I sure am interested in seeing it!

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  18. I'd love to hear more of this theory that women are descended from Neanderthals. I mean, I know I suggested it but Anneke and Linda seem to be embracing it and, as for the others, remember 'Silence is consent'.

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