cop-out blog number three

Time’s still pressing so I’m having to cop out again, but this time I thought I might ask for help. First of all, it seems that my brother Ron reads these postings now and then so I thought it might be an idea to set up a clamour for him to guest blog again. If you decide to leave a comment, therefore, I’d be grateful if you’d join me in bullying him into making another contribution.

Next, Dragonlady (aka Diane Nelson) was indiscreet enough to suggest another Dinsdale the whale exercise might be appropriate. I immediately jumped at the chance and invited her to write it. She’s quite a busy person so we won’t expect anything from her until August but, as before, if you’d like to throw in some suggestions of things she MUST include in her offering, they’d be very welcome. She’s good, so don’t hold back. I’ll offer some of my own nearer the time.

Finally, I’ve once again ‘borrowed’ (i.e. plagiarised) from the list of similes created by real students in their GCSE essays. As I was starting to group them in categories, however, it struck me that they’re so inventive that they could easily have been produced by some well-known authors. So which literary greats might have scribbled the following in their exam answers? I’ll number them for ease of identification.

1. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

2. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

3. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

4. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

5. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

6. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

7. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

8. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

9. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

Good luck.

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