Wednesday, 7 April 2010

My own Bermuda Triangle


For a change, I had all sorts of ideas about what to put into this blog but they’ve all been pushed aside by a mystery – which I’ll share with you. The observant among you will have noticed that I’ve added a tracker called feedjit. It puts little red dots over the world map and shows how I’m progressively colonising North America, the UK, bits of Europe and tiny pockets of land in Asia and Australasia. But it also has a real-time option, which tells me more about my visitors, what drew them to me and how long they spent in my company. And this is where the mystery lies.

Forgive me now giving you a list of places but it’s part of the enigma. So, in the period I’m sampling for this posting, I had 2 visits from Scotland (Airdrie and Johnstone) and 12 from England (Manchester, Preston, Keighley, Kidlington (4 visits) and London (5)). The 12 English visits were balanced by 12 from the USA (Bronson (3) and the wonderfully named Nacogdoches (2) – both in Texas, Brooklyn (New York) Hayward and San Francisco (California), Missoula and Plains (Montana), Seattle and Tampa). There were 4 from Australia (Hunters Hill and Greenwich – both in New South Wales and one of whom, bizarrely, was sent here in a search for Gary Corby), and 2 visits from Elwood, Victoria, which I mistook first of all for a name and wondered whether I’d ever met a Victoria Elwood. And last, but definitely not least, came people from Bombay (Maharashtra), Makati (Manila) and 4 visits from the truly exotic Minnertsga, Friesland.

OK, you say, so what? Well, to begin with, rather than being drawn here by my magnetic personality, infinite charm and quiet desperation, many came simply in search of an answer to the question ‘What makes a good novel?’ which was the title of one posting. But, dear friends, that’s merely an aside because it’s the 5 visitors I haven’t yet mentioned whose details hint at the central mystery.

The first came from Birmingham (UK) and stayed for a mere 26 seconds. The next was from the City of London and stayed slightly longer (42 seconds) and the third, from Riverton (Wyoming) was here for 51 seconds. If I ever meet the final two, I owe them a drink because they stayed long enough to read something. The one from Amsterdam, Noord-Holland lingered a whole 3 minutes 11 seconds but the champion came from Englewood, Colorado and wasted an enormous 6 minutes 37 seconds of his/her life in my company.

Again, so what? Well, this is where my crime writer’s observational skills come into play. I know the time and date the last 5 arrived, and when they left. But what about all the others? The ones in the first list? I know when they arrived BUT THERE'S NO INDICATION THAT ANY OF THEM LEFT. SO THEY MUST STILL BE HERE.

But where? What are they doing? Some have been here for days. What are they eating? How are they surviving? Are their bosses and families missing them? It’s a huge responsibility for me to know that my wit and wisdom have ensnared so many. That idle comment I made about being a guru has come back to haunt me. I’ll have to start leaving plates of biscuits here and cans of some sort of beverage. And what if the influx continues? We’re all aware of the dangers of overpopulation. What if Oxfam and the Red Cross start sending food parcels and medical supplies? Can Médecins sans Frontières operate inside a blog?

Don’t get me wrong. My blog welcomes immigrants but, for their own safety they need to be led towards the more seemly locations – the jokey bits not the bits about existentialism. I don’t want them to be hi-jacked by some rogue philosopher who’s camped there and may force them to consider Aristotelian syllogisms day after day or read Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason.

So, if you’re there and you’re reading this, let me know and we’ll see if you can’t be repatriated or transferred to a blog whose sanity is uncompromised, where laughter, poetry and common sense prevail. Now let me think. I’m sure I’ve visited such a place recently.




22 comments:

  1. Bill, I've often wondered the same thing. But isn't it cool how people come from all over to read your sainted words?

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  2. I love to analyse my traffic. as I said most of them accidentally drop by looking for azeri sex or azeri porn, but sometimes I get people who searched for some truly bizarre things. But I never had anyone hiding inside the blog and never leaving. that is amazing! :)))

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  3. Minnertsga, Friesland is a bit insulting. I've been reading you yes, but I was in Sint Jacobiparochie on the Oudebildtdijk. That's 2 miles away from Minnertsga. This is highly inacurate. And please, can anybody tell me where the exit is.

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  4. Michael, indeed it is. This time next year I may be challenging the Pope as the leader of the biggest guilt-ridden, lost spiritual community.

    Scary, if I don't find some azeri sex or porn on your site soon, I'll stop searching.

    Anneke, I think you made all those names up. Just for that, you'll have to stay here a bit longer.

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  5. OMG, Wow, and all those other things young people write. Someone arrived here yesterday via the search term 'Kirton died april 2010' AND THEY'RE STILL HERE.

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  6. I would worry if i were you.

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  7. I'm afraid to post. What if I get sucked into the blog and can't get out?

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  8. I bet the one from Plains was my uncle. We've been wondering where he wandered off to.

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  9. this kind of blog always useful for blog readers, it helps people during research. your post is one of the same for blog readers.

    Thesis paper Writers

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  10. Scary, I'd be grateful if you could worry on my behalf - just until May 1st please.

    Linda, don't worry, you'd be in good cosmopolitan company.

    Kari Lynn, if I see your uncle, I'll ask him to get in touch.

    Emily, I'd never thought of the blog as 'useful', so thanks for that.

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  11. Bill, I'm afraid Emily is a spammer who's probably been wandering your blog like Theseus in the maze. ;) (Have a look at the link in her comment..., or rather, don't.)

    And perhaps you should rename your blog the Hotel California?

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  12. Thanks for the heads-up, Fiona.

    As for this being the Hotel California - if I remember the lyrics correctly, that establishment was a luxury hotel made for hedonistic pursuits, while this is a sterner, more Calvinist location - well, at least until I get the whole guru thing sorted out properly.

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  13. It sounds as though you're running an Internet boarding house, Bill. I'm alternately listed as both Riverton, Wyoming, and United States (which means Big Brother is reading my posts and is now reading yours). Neither pinpoints my location accurately. :)

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  14. Best to keep moving then Jean. Alternatively, stay here with all the other lost souls.

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  15. I can explain this. The tracker only has something to track when the reader's browser requests something from your site. The very last time the reader's browser requests a page from your blog is the last time the browser contacts you. So you can never see the time when they stop reading that final page.

    For this reason the "time spent on your site" statistics are totally misleading.

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  16. A valiant attempt to enlighten me, Gary, but I'm resolute in my ignorance. I prefer to imagine a blog through which lost souls from all over the world grope their bewildered ways.

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  17. I was mystified to see, by the way, that mere mention of my name drives people to your site.

    Whoever it was, I hope I don't owe them money.

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  18. It's OK, Gary. If they do, I know where to send them.

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  19. Well, it is inaccurate. I'm in Central Louisiana NOT Nachodoches, Tx! AND I WANT TO GET SUCKED out of here! Do I just leave the blog open like a rabbit hole and a month from now I wake up in Scotland? OMG!

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  20. No, no. Just stay here with the rest of us. I'll make sure there's a plentiful supply of bagels.

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  21. My location registers as Pardise - good think your Feedjit told me I lived in paradise--otherwise, I'd never have known!

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  22. Good thing your name's not Eve, too.

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